True Assertiveness

I was hiking once with my dad up a particular pass that required us to climb up a chain ladder, a very steep chain ladder. I have always been extremely afraid of heights and the task that lay before me did not excite me in the slightest ... In fact, I was gripped by fear. So much so that I couldn't move. My Dad, understanding my phobia, put his hand on my shoulder, validated my fear and proceeded to explain how he would be right behind me, and that no danger would come my way if I just trusted him.

Sounds like a simple story, but to me I was able to face my fear and conquer a daunting situation thanks to the love, support, encouragement and belief of my Dad. I'm sure that if you had to think about it, you would also come up with a memory of when a parent, coach, sibling or friend did something similar in your life.

What my Dad modeled to me was true assertiveness.

My experience is that assertiveness is one of the most misunderstood and abused leadership tools. We often think it involves being strong, forceful, harsh or direct. It does start with the notion that we need to take people somewhere, but we can either inspire them or force them to move in the required direction. I think so much of assertiveness today, specifically in the corporate space, is about manipulating people. But is this truly leadership? I believe true leadership is about treating people as assets! Leaders don't destroy, they build and develop people.

A leader is a person with clarity, distinctiveness and can take people in the right direction - that is part being assertive!

So how do we achieve this? I believe being truly assertive and inspiring others involves considering two things: point of view (or perspective) and self esteem - for you and those you are leading. My dad understood my perspective of the chain ladder, that I saw an impossible task. He didn't knock my self esteem, but validated my fear. I thus felt safe and valued by him even though I was afraid. He shared his point of view, his direction, his counsel and experience. He was confident that we could both conquer the chain ladder! By him validating my point of view and self esteem made me open and willing to follow his. He didn't have to shout or yell or force me into following his way, he inspired me to.

Imagine if we could do the same with those we lead? Instead of manipulating people, what if we treated them as assets and strived to not destroy, but build and develop them.

In a situation where assertiveness in needed, what if we lead with clarity, distinctiveness and direction, all the while making others feel safe and valued? I think we would make a true difference in the lives of those we lead, just like my dad did in mine.
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Don Muller has spent the last 4 years working into corporate and church leadership development and training both locally and internationally. He has a passion for and works towards seeing individuals live out their strengths and calling daily.

Words on a wall

Lately, I have been noticing what individuals and businesses have on their walls. Most families I noticed have words hanging somewhere, or displayed on a shelf. Words like Love, Adore, Peace, Happiness. Businesses display words, often their values, in bold letters usually in the foyer. On top of that motivational statements & quotes seem to catch the eye as you walk around.

It kinda makes sense I guess. I mean you wouldn’t hang the words ‘hate’ or ‘selfish’ or ‘division’ on your wall now would you? In many ways the words you display are almost ideals. We all want to feel or experience homes and businesses that revolve around the types of words that we put on our walls.

But thats the point. Too often they are simply words on a wall.

Whats important is that the people who inhabit these spaces live out these words. That the couple express love, adoration and peace toward one another. That employees work with ‘care’, have ‘fun’ and display high levels of ‘passion’ and ‘go the extra mile’.

And there is the journey right there. Words on a wall have a next stop. Within the hearts of people who are their custodians. The words on the wall need to end up as words which are believed and desired, aligned with, lived out & expressed in unique and interesting ways.

Then the words on the wall become words on our hearts which become words which reflect the experience we have and that others have of us.

That means they are not just words.

They are actions. They are a way of life. They are destinations within a never ending journey.

Imagine more words left the walls?

Imagine the words that surround you specifically left the walls?

How different would things be?

Words ... get off the wall.

The art of connecting

There is an old saying: To lead yourself, use your head; to lead others, use your heart.
What this saying is articulating is the art of connecting, and it is an extremely powerful leadership principal.

John C Maxwell, one of the most respected leadership gurus around today, has recently written a book entitled “Everyone Communicates, Few Connect”. In the book he argues that the most effective leaders have learned to move from mere communication to truly connecting with those they lead.

In order to understand this concept better, it is essential to identify the difference between communicating and connecting. In a recent workshop I was involved with, we were discussing this idea, and we came up with the following comparison:

Communicating:
• Disconnected from the other person’s emotions
• Is a daily activity
• The objective is to get my point of view across, and thus has a win/lose intent
• Involves passing on information, often by just telling the other party
• Often a set way of doing it and is clinical
• Is verbal (what you say)

Connecting:
• Seek to understand others point of view and emotions
• Relate to others where they are at
• Seeks a win/win outcome
• Seeks to build and facilitate trust
• Engage emotionally
• Involve others through care and help
• Is often non verbal (how you say it and your intent)
• Is a conscious choice, shows intent
• Is often dynamic, not a set way of doing it, and thus involves understanding the other party

A major difference between communicating and connecting is that in connecting you are aware of the other person’s point of view and self esteem. Effective leaders know that they first have to touch people’s hearts before they can ask for their trust and commitment. You can’t move people to action unless you first move them with emotion; the heart comes before the head!

In essence, it is all about the people. In my experience working in a corporate, the most effective leaders were those who really showed a genuine interest in who I was, my dreams and goals, and whose real intent was for me to truly succeed in the organisation. They were leaders that I had a connection with. As a result, I found myself going the extra mile, being positive about my work and the organisation, had a level of trust and felt appreciated. When leaders connect with those they lead, everyone succeeds.

This also reminded me of the way Jesus led. Jesus communicated some of the most powerful words in history, but he was also the master of connecting. He spent time teaching and investing into his twelve disciples. He dedicated His life for others and he displayed unconditional love even to the point of death so that others may live. His selfless devotion and love causes a connection that produces a response.

I’m convinced that those who connect take their relationships, their work and their lives to another level. I encourage you seek to connect and make a difference!
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Don Muller has spent the last 4 years working into corporate and church leadership development and training both locally and internationally. He has a passion for and works towards seeing individuals live out their strengths and calling daily.

My BlackBerry crashed in the early hours of this morning …

My BlackBerry crashed in the early hours of this morning …

If you could extract the ‘blackbox’ it may tell you it was that final app that I tried to download which overloaded it. Or it could have been 22 months of major expectations on its tiny frame, endlessly pushing buttons, checking tweets, updating my status, reading the news, accepting invites on linkedin, receiving mail, sending mail, pushing out texts, long BBM chats, continually receiving BBM group alerts, whats app conversations, checking the weather, managing my tasks, managing my apps – one for london tubes, one for reading the bible, one for finding out what song is on the radio, one for seeing which hotel rooms I can book in the city I am in, one for journalling and of course one for ‘checking in’ so that I can become the mayor. Then of course there was the endless internet browsing, the long nights plugged into 240volts, the GPS navigation and last but not least – phone calls.

And it crashes?!

So if one word had to describe my day without it it would be …

SPACE!

I realised just how much I was allowing myself to be connected to.

This is not an anti BB or Iphone post! Fact is I love them both dearly.  And yes, I could just turn it off! In fact, the major source of stress for me lately was deciding what to do on my upgrade. Today I have been dragging around my old nokia which has to have its battery taped in cause the back cover is warped. I was probably leaning toward the Iphone but this decision has become as important as how I should invest my money.

I said I would never check email after 5pm, but there was something alluring about that little yellow envelop sitting sitting staring at me. Often the top of the screen would be littered with all sorts of little notifications. People who I knew and some who I don’t offering conversation and insight.

I guess we choose what we will be connected to. Today the options seem limitless. Perhaps though all of these connections simply rob us of being connected to ourselves and what is important to us.

What really counts?

What could you be more connected to?

What do you need to disconnect from?

This crash is yielding questions which will influence my future.

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Travis Gale has spent the last 5 years running his own development business in South Africa’s corporate world and is currently involved in various long term partnerships with clients across a number of industries. Furthermore he has travelled to conferences internationally hunting down latest trends and insights. Having cycled around the world and survived a tsunami, his passion for crossing borders often lends itself to an interesting blend of stories and insight. He sees himself as a ‘change catalyst’ and displays strength in facilitating insight into the right spaces. Find out more at www.appletreelive.com

Today

We seem to live our lives longing for "One Day".

Think back to school:

We find ourselves in primary school and we long for "one day" when we are in High School
In High School we long for "one day" when we will be in Matric
In Matric we long for "one day" when we will be in University
In Uni we long for "one day" when we will start working
When we start working we long for "one day" when we will be married
When we are married we long for "one day" when we will have kids
When we have kids we long for "one day" when they will leave the house
When they leave the house we long for "one day" when we will retire
We retire, we find ourselves on our death bed and we wonder when "one day" will come, or maybe we missed it.

We seem to live our lives longing for "One Day".

And why is that? Every stage of life, in every season, we will face things that bring us down. Think about what is in your life now that is causing you to long for "one day". It may be your boss, your parents, your kids, the economy, the government, crime, global warming, your job, your pastor, God, the devil... We blame our external factors for our discontentment.

But have you ever heard the saying "wherever you go, there you are"? The only constant in each phase of your life is you. But we consistently blame external factors or circumstances for our discontentment. As leaders, we often do the same. We lead when when circumstances are good, but hit wobbles and get disillusioned when we face challenges.

Paul, one of the greatest pioneers and leaders in history makes this statement:

"I've learned the secret of being content in any and every circumstance".

He has caught something here. He is saying that no matter what is going on externally, internally he is content... Not happy, but content.

I believe Paul had such a clear purpose, that when favourable or unfavourable circumstances came his way, his contentment was not affected. Purpose in internally generated, and thus external factors can't affect it.

I believe as leaders, when we have a strong sense of our purpose, we can also learn the secret to be content whatever the circumstances. And a content leader is a contagious leader!

When we are connected with our purpose we move from living for "one day" to living for "today"!

Do you know "why" you have the gifts you have? Do you know "why" you are doing what you do? Try articulating your purpose, getting in touch with it. Let it be the energy behind what you do.

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Don Muller has spent the last 4 years working into corporate and church leadership development and training both locally and internationally. He has a passion for and works towards seeing individuals live out their strengths and calling daily.